Monday, 7 October 2013

Heart of gold? Maybe not...

Sometimes, I thought I have a heart of gold.

That's when I am always full of dreams to help people who are in need. Sick, poor, you name it. There is a desire to help out, to volunteer. But it's not easy.

I've tried searching for opportunities within organisations to 'offer myself" to be replied by "we have enough volunteers for now", "we'll keep you in view when we have event", "we do not have any event now" or "we need working hours volunteers". And so, each time, the fire would burn out. Till the next ripple.

It didn't come easy. For me to offer to commit. I have commitment issues.

In 2004, I committed to a programme called Meals on Wheels. But I was such a workaholic at that time that I had to change my mind at the very last minute due to work commitment. Someone from the programme called me, and he gave me an upside down lecture.

"Do you know that it is ok for you to just say you can't come?"

"But what would happen to the old folks that are waiting for the food? They still need to eat!"

I felt like shit.

From then on, I've never tried to go close to committing myself to charity. Except for donations in the temple, that is.

More than 10 years on, I picked myself up again.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not destined to do good.

I do not believe in monetary donations. Call me skeptical, call me anything you like. There are just too many cases where the people in-charge of the charity organisations misused the fund. And I'm really very skeptical of the kids doing fund raising at MRT stations for example. I really wonder where the money would all go to or whether they are really fund raising for real. Ya, not that I'm going to donate a million dollars to care, but I do care. I do not want to condone misdeeds, nor I want to check their license to confirm if they are for real before I donate a few dollars the most.

Lately I found out that I can make donations in kind to charitable organisations. I went into a few old folks home and check on what they need on regular basis.

And then I found out something interesting.

On NTUC Fairprice website, there's a link for Donation to VWOs, it has a whole list of VWOs that you can make donation to. If you click on any of the VWO, you'll be shown what are the items they use regularly and the brands they preferred.

There you go.. alternative to my skeptical mind about donation.

On the other hand, I believe I have an evil heart too.

I was on the MRT to make my way to a sale. The guy beside me gave the seat to a woman in her 60s or 70s. She spoke in a strongly accented Chinese. No doubt where she came from. She asked me the name of 2 stations away. I told her I would alight with her as I would be going the same way. Then when the train stopped at the first station, she panicked and said something along the line that she went the wrong way and then she alighted at the station. I was still glued to my seat.

Just when the train doors closed, I felt really bad. I regretted not helping her find her way and make sure she knows her way before leaving her like that. I prayed that someone else would be able to help her.

I was angry at myself, why can't I just sacrifice a little of time to help her? I have no other answer than I was selfish and self-centred.

So you see? I have a very confused personality.

I'm good, or I'm actually not good afterall.


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