IZ & us deal with loss of beloved Ah Ma..

At the hospital, I realised we had to quickly inform IZ of what was happening, despite he was still blur, waking up at 5am. So we told him Ah Ma died, and asked if he would like to take a look at Ah Ma. He said yes.

From then, I was expecting him to cry. He didn't tear.. not at all.

My heart ache a lot. I'm not sure if it's "acceptable" for him not to cry at all. I don't know if he's being strong or he's being unemotional. He did say he's sad, he missed Ah Ma, but while both of us cried our hearts out, he seems unfazed.

For the 5 days of wake, he frequently walked up to Ah Ma altar and casket, talked to her and prayed.

There was no fear.. but there was no tear either..

*****************

On the day of funeral, when we placed rose on her casket and spoke our last words (in our hearts):

IZ: wo ai ni ah ma (translated as "I love you, Ah Ma")

And there I broke down.. once again.

*****************

Exactly 1 week from Ah Ma's passing:

IZ: I wish Ah Ma could live until 89yo (she was 86)
Me: you wish Ah Ma could live until 89?
IZ: yes, I wish she could see me go to primary school and celebrate birthday with me
Me: I wish she could live longer too, but you see, she was feeling very uncomfortable already, with the tube feed and all, so, it's a good thing she left, she's no longer suffering
IZ: what is suffering?
Me: no longer feeling uncomfortable

Coming home from the 1st day of school, he called out to Ah Ma upon reaching home.  I broke down  over the phone when Ah Nah told me that.

*****************

9 days after Ah Ma's passing, we just got home.

IZ: hello daddy, hello mommy (hugged daddy)
IZ: are you still feeling sad, daddy?
Dad: yes, I am still feeling sad
IZ: me too, I still remember Ah Ma
Me: yes, we should always remember Ah Ma, we shall not forget her

In the bed at night.

IZ: Daddy, when you feel sad, your nose and face are red

IZ: I feel sad too

Dad: it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to cry, you know

IZ: I know

IZ: but is it ok to cry when I get punished?

*****************

10 days after Ah Ma's passing, on a phone conversation:

Me: how was school today?

IZ: awesome, Yuhan is back in school

Me: so you're happy that Yuhan is back?

IZ: i'm unhappy (I thought to myself.. there you go again, about how you don't want to go to school..)

Me: you're unhappy

IZ: ya, I'm unhappy coz Ah Ma passed away

Me: me too, I'm unhappy too

Totally broke my heart..

He's right. It feels like we have lost the ability to be happy. I'm sulking the whole day for the past 10 days, although occasionally I smile and laugh. It's like Ah Ma's passing took away all our happiness.

I know she wouldn't want us to be unhappy... maybe time can really heal..

*****************

Updated on 5th Oct'16 (slightly more than 100 days of passing)

IZ was in the middle of his violin lesson when he suddenly came to me in the kitchen, crying. I thought the teacher scolded him till it was unbearable.

"I missed Ah Ma" he sobbed.

After lesson, he said "I missed the happy times with Ah Ma".

That's right my boy, proud of you. We will always miss her. Not a day passed without me thinking of her too.

Compassionate

While IZ is a good natured boy, as YJ always say, I've always been concerned as he has never displayed a little compassion. He has done a little of volunteer work, he understands how some people need help more than others. But I've never seen him concerned over anything, let alone show compassion or empathy.

When I had really bad migraine middle of last year, that I cried and cried. He told me it was the first time he saw me crying. But he said that as a matter of fact. He was not concerned at all.

I'm really worried that he'll grow up a cold person.

Lately I've seen that he was concerned over the grandma, remembering to pass the walking stick to grandma when she forgot.

Last night, for the first time, I saw compassion in him.

We were practising violin when he suddenly stepped on my right leg. I screamed out of pain. And he started crying. Despite the pain, I had to comfort him. I thought he was crying in case I start scolding. Then he said "I'm so sorry, MAMA!" and continue sobbing. "I'm so sorry".

I told him it's ok, I was just in pain. And I asked him why he cried?

He said "coz I feel so sorry for you, I feel so sad for you"

Totally melts my heart, I guess the boy does have a warm heart. What a relief...

Death

Once in a blue moon, I'll do some pages of work with IZ.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I took out an assessment book and somehow we landed on this page.

Using the tips, we talked about his fear.

He told me he is afraid of dying. He said he's scared he won't be able to play with his toys. He wants to stay.

His exact words: "I want to stay"

I wonder how much a 5 yo knows about death. 

As we think of the future, there are so many uncertainties. 

I told him each and every time we talk about the death topic, that everyone dies, regardless of age. One dies young, one dies old, one dies sleeping, one dies sick.

(I hope we'll be able to build good karma to die comfortably.)

While we are at this topic. I saw someone shared this book and its contents on FB. I took a look and was really thankful. Couldn't be a better timing, really.

At a play date we held in our place 2 days ago, IZ was ultra sensitive and touchy.

He cried over how I compared him with his peers over eating fast / slow. Seems like he has been holding grievances over hubby harping over him eating slowly everyday and suddenly he just exploded.

Then he also cried over me saying he picked fight with everybody. He said "that's not EVERYBODY".

"I want to kill you!!!" in front of everybody. I guess everyone's jaw dropped to the floor.

My heart too.

But I only repeated after him. I reminded myself I had to do the talking after the play date.

So, after guests have left, I told him I felt really sad that he wanted to kill me. Immediately, he cuddled up to me, and hugged me, and kissed me apologizing again and again and that he'd never say that again. I know he didn't mean it, but it was still shocking nonetheless. I wonder from where he got the idea of killing ME. Haiz...

So, when I saw this book "Missing Mommy", I wasted no time in reading to him. He hugged me and said he doesn't want me to die.

But the second round, he wanted to read it himself. He started tearing.

I'm so glad he teared.

He hugged me and kept saying he doesn't want me to die, and that he'll never say he want to kill me again.

Then he stuck to me like glue. Following me everywhere I went, and wanted to sleep beside me and all angelic.

Thanks Cobb!

How to be a good sports?

IZ has difficulty admitting defeats. Absolutely nil sportsmanship.

Let him win in a game, he'll smile happily.

Let him start losing lose in a game, he'll sulk.. even cry.

And so the cycles went.. we tried very hard to make him lose in almost every game if we could help it.

Teaching him to be a good sport has been in vain.

Then I thought of a good idea..

To show him how it feels to lose, for real.

The 28th SEA Games in Singapore is the right place to start.

So I had to choose a game. Long enough to let him see how hard the players played, short enough for him to still be engaged.

Naturally, I chose the cheapest one, the free one. Naturally, I chose my favorite, the field hockey.

And so I chose the day when SIN was going against MAS. 

An almost no-fight match. I knew MAS was going to win.

But it was utmost important to let IZ see by himself, what "losers" do after a game.

We reached at half time and there was queue. We were denied entry as stadium was full. We were told there was no guarantee we could go in. We queued anyway, and glad we did.

Started to queue

During the game, he asked 1001 questions.. about hockey.

And I kept bringing him back to the point that SIN was losing, but the players were still playing hard.

SIN was defeated 1-4.

The most important moment arrived at the end.

The players from each team shook hands with each other. The "losers" didn't cry. The "losers" was applauded by the crowd for trying. The "losers" did not say "I don't want to play again!"

Both IZ and I clapped and cheered along that they worked hard. That's the spirit, my son.

How much has he taken away? I can't tell now.. until the next losing moment.

More talking!

Acknowledging his feeling

Yesterday, whilst in the car. Same scnenario happened again and again..

IZ: you are driving too fast, daddy!
Dad: (glancing at speedometer - 75km/h) no, I'm not..
IZ: yes you are! Its dangerous!
Dad: no, it's not fast

(above scenario will ongoing until IZ is distracted with other stuffs..) X N times

Immediately, I recognised an opportunity to put what I read in "How to talk so kids listen, how to listen so kids talk" book I borrowed recently, on acknowledging children's feelings.

Me: it sure feels like daddy is driving very fast right? But he's not you know..
IZ: ya, I feel very fast!
Me: he's driving within the speed limit

And the conversation ended there. No argument.

Power of acknowledging his feeling.


You didn't see!

IZ: I draw this clock from Thank You For Being My Best Friend book (in the school)
Me: (acknowledging) I see..
IZ: No, you didn't see, you were at work!
Me: @-@

How it feels..?

These two days, I feel extremely connected to the kids in the home I'm clocking my clinical hours.

I wonder how it feels to be them.

How would I feel waking up everyday, not knowing what's hold for me?

How would I feel eating with so many other kids, like I was a prisoner?

How would I feel wearing uniform day in day out except on outings and to school?

How would I feel when there are bunch of volunteers that come and go? Would I feel they pitied me? Was that pity in their eyes?

How would I feel living in fear of not being able to live with  my family again?

How would I feel when I grow up from the home?

How would I feel celebrating festivals without my family?

How would I feel when I'm being punished because I feel like I want to be a children, and be naughty at times?

How would I feel when the temptation is just too great, I might as well be a bad child?

The great tight hugs the girls gave me made me realized my choice to return to the home not as therapist was right.

I do not want to pity them, I want to be with them.

God, please give me strength to continue giving.

Anxiety Attack

I noticed IZ kept pressing his left chest last night. The first time I saw that, I didn't think much. As he did it again.. and again, although subtly, I started to feel worried and brought it up to hubby's attention.

When asked why, he said painful. He could pinpoint to us where's the painful part. And I checked that there was no physical injury. Asked if he knocked on something he said no too.

So we decided to bring him to the Pd this morning to have a check. Better be safe than sorry.

When we entered the consultation room, Dr asked if he was going to school, if he enjoyed going to school and that school is fun as he has friends there. He shook his head to all the questions. When asked who was his best friend, he named his playdate as his best friend.

Dr shared with us that chest pain on children (ruling out accidents aka physical injuries) caused by 2 possibilities. Either cardiac related problem or anxiety.

He ruled out cardiac related problem, as he checked that IZ's lungs and all are strong and healthy. He is on the verge of flu, but that's about it.

So, Dr says it could be anxiety caused in school. It came clearer to us when I shared about his frequent need to urinate. He says if we do not intervene now, it would probably aggravate from chest pain to tummy pain. By then it would be serious.

He advised us to tell teachers in the school to lookout for him, be gentle for now and lookout for case of bullying.

He was involved in some sort of physical bullying this week, I didn't expect it could be this bad. A peer hit on him on one day, and he got pinched by another peer on the next day.

Suddenly it became clearer on why he was always upset to wake up to go to school although he used to love and go to school happily.

This is yet another wake up call for us to pay extra attention on not brushing his feelings aside when he told us he got "bullied". He probably has suppressed a lot in school that he vent it all out at home, thus the naughty behaviours.

I'm just so glad we took him to the doctor, and hope it's not too late to do damage control.

As things changed (slightly) for the better...

As I penned down the crazy week here the craziness did not end just there, but one thing I should be grateful, talking to others about IZ's behavior.

And so I pay attention on him, and did what was advised.

I "collaborated" with all the adults in the family that we would ignore him completely when he gets upset and start shouting or yelling or crying. All agreed. We would tell him to calm down and look for us again.

And so we had a chance to do it on Friday night.

He was crying over something when everyone else was already in the room preparing to sleep. And he was wailing on top of his lung in the hall, in the dark. Nobody entertained him, and it stopped within 2 minutes and he came back in as if nothing ever happened.

He woke up at 6.55am on Saturday, so you may have guessed it, no tantrum. He went "wakey wakey daddy, mommy!" Kids do have biological alarm installed in them for weekends don't they?

A friend came for dinner and he behaved superbly. He even followed me to send the friend home. Once in a while, he would speak in a loud voice as if he was shouting, but when reminded, he would try to bring his voice down.

Yesterday, he woke up with a smile. Out of impromptu decision, I drew lines on a piece of A4 paper and brought some stickers for him. I told him that it was really nice to wake up with a smile, and I shall give him a sticker. I told him, for everytime he wakes up with a big smile, I would give him a sticker.

I told him of the day itinerary, sports class, come back to bathe, eat lunch, take a nap and then BBQ. When he asked for playdough before class, I told him we can play after class. He said, but we are going to BBQ after class. Which means telling him the itinerary works to let him know in advance what he is expecting.

The day started really well. Teacher Izz in RSGK said he performed well. I think so too. Before the class I told him again why it is important to listen to his teachers. I told him the teachers would keep him safe, so he would be safe if he listens to them. It helped too that the class was not as crowded as previous weeks and it was less chaotic with 3 teachers around.

One thing I noticed, every Sunday, before the class starts, he would ask to go to the toilet, saying he needed to pass urine. But unable to pee usually. It reminds me of what Ms Fizah says, that he would say he wants to pass urine frequently, but most of the times, he is not able to. I wonder if this is a psychology thing. Something for me to read up on.

We also had some time to spend at the playground after class and he had fun despite the bright sunny day. All was in good mood.

Make believe puppet - Cookie Monster

He followed me to the company's family day and enjoyed playing with the bigger kids (my colleagues' kids). Thankful the kids did not mind such small little boy. Instead they took good care of him in the pool. He was in super good mood when I sent a colleague and her kids home, and kept asking in which location we were. I enjoyed talking to him like to an adult when I was driving.

Coz of the fuss at home, sometimes I forgot how it is when he is behaving well outside.

He amazed me when he noticed one of my colleagues were sitting alone at a corner eating by himself. He asked me why was he alone. I told him I do not know why, why don't he go and ask. He really went and asked why my colleague was all alone. It made me realised he is aware of his surrounding and the people around him.

He has no problem talking to my colleagues in different race.

It was wonderful day, I ended the night with a story about Rapunzel. A story he asked in the day when he got to know one of his friends were going to watch Rapunzel show.

This morning he asked with curious face, on the Rapunzel's story. Yes, IZ and his 100001 WHYs. I get so used to it, I think I have upgraded a level, my patience, that is.

And yes, as of this morning, he's got 2 stickers!
I promised an ice cream treat for every 7 stickers!

Concluding a crazy week.. (I hope)..

Somehow feel "crazy" is an understatement. It's like "horrendously mad" week it has been.

Just when work turns slightly better for me, all other "personal" stuffs took to one of its worst corner.

The elderly at home has not been feeling well. I really have to admit (hubby agreed too) that it was our bad that it comes to this stage. We have neglected her long enough, overestimated her capability of taking care of herself. I've took for granted her ability to bathe, to feed, to take medicine on her own. She has, really like the saying, turned into a child that really needs a lot of attention. I promise not to neglect her ever again. She is turning 84 come Aug, our house does have a precious.

As if the little one sensed all the tense at home, he too cranked up. He has been literally screaming for attention. Crying at the slightest thing like some water on his shirt/pants. Or latest fit in the morning, refusing to let helper help him with the wet-marketing trolley.

Temper has been quick. Yelling seems to be his choice for communication. And crying.. with real and crocodile tears.

Digging him out of bed is a chore, we take turns to do it so that we do not gets too boiled up.

We have discussed to ignore him at point of his tantrum, and would tell him to look for us when he has cooled down and talk nicely. I hope our consistency would work.

I can't help thinking what's the reason behind, what caused him so upset this week.

Has it been the tense at home coz the elderly has not been feeling well?

Is it because I was not in the best moods before I settled my work stuffs?

Is it because he's not feeling well?

Is it too much TV?

Too much pressure? From us?

Is it negligence?

It it related to helper?

I do know however, to pay close attention to him too.

Yesterday morning, while he was crying his heart out, I went down to him and asked if he wanted me to give him a hug. He shook his head, and cried that he wanted the daddy to hug him. When the daddy did, he stopped crying immediately.

This morning, when I offered to bring him for the wash up, he perks up, and co-operative the whole washing up. I've probably been to reliant on helper to take care of his being and missed the slightest hint of change of mood.

Having said that, I remember reading a book. About how we should let them know about emotions. Life is not just about being happy and bubbly. There are ups and downs in life, it's how we manage them. I may not be the best example, but I shall learn to manage our downs together.

A friend said I should feel relieved that IZ is finally behaving like a 3yo. I am surprised. Probably IZ has put up a real angelic front to outsiders, but I'm sure the 4 adults at home do not think he is anything angelic. Ops!

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.” —Steve Furtick.

So, I have an elderly and a young precious crying for our undivided attention.

The ride is tough, we've gotta hang on tight!

Attachment

We talked about attachment in play therapy classes. 

I remember watching a very old video by John Bowlby and couldn't help pondering if IZ was (at that point of time) securely attached. I remember the child in the video would cry when the caretaker leaves, and happy when the caretaker comes back.

I told my classmates and lecturer that my son has never cried when I left him.

I resumed traveling (for work) when IZ turned 4 months old.

He has watched me packing and leaving. He has watched me coming back. Whenever possible, IZ and daddy will be waiting at the airport to wait for my arrival.

Most of the times, he would run to me, smiling and give me a big bear hug.

And just like that, we reconnected. It was as if he has never felt my absence.

So why I did not think IZ is securely attached then?

He never asked for me, he never cried for me.

His Playgroup teacher told me he was somewhat unusual during the period I travel (when he was 18~24 months old) but he never cried. She then learnt that I was away during that period.

The few occasions he cried when I left him, was leaving him in a completely new environment, new school(s).

He has never cried when I left for work either. Every morning, I would give him a big hug and kiss and bid him farewell. From when he was a young baby. I'm sure glad we didn't have to go through the phase "daddy and mommy need to go to work for..". I guess my weak heart wouldn't be able to take that.

I finally concluded that he is indeed securely attached last weekend.

I brought him to a birthday party on Saturday, at a chalet we've never been, crowded with "strangers" we have never met before. I brought him to pee in the washroom, and asked that he wait for me to pee. He said "I wait for you outside ok?"

That 6 words were so powerful, they symbolized independence.

I somehow felt relieved there and then, I was happy he displayed independence. I was happy he felt securely attached that he trusted to explore on his own. I was happy when he made friends with strangers that he may never meet again.

I hope we can continuously walk towards connected secured attachment bonding so that he can grow up being a positive and trusting man.

MORE ON ATTACHMENT:

(Source from here)

Characteristics of Secure Attachment

Children who are securely attached generally become visibly upset when their caregivers leave, and are happy when their parents return. When frightened, these children will seek comfort from the parent or caregiver. Contact initiated by a parent is readily accepted by securely attached children and they greet the return of a parent with positive behavior. While these children can be comforted to some extent by other people in the absence of a parent or caregiver, they clearly prefer parents to strangers.

Characteristics of Ambivalent Attachment

Children who are ambivalently attached tend to be extremely suspicious of strangers. These children display considerable distress when separated from a parent or caregiver, but do not seem reassured or comforted by the return of the parent. In some cases, the child might passively reject the parent by refusing comfort, or may openly display direct aggression toward the parent.

Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment

Children with avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid parents and caregivers. This avoidance often becomes especially pronounced after a period of absence. These children might not reject attention from a parent, but neither do they seek our comfort or contact. Children with an avoidant attachment show no preference between a parent and a complete stranger.

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment

Children with a disorganized-insecure attachment style show a lack of clear attachment behavior. Their actions and responses to caregivers are often a mix of behaviors, including avoidance or resistance. These children are described as displaying dazed behavior, sometimes seeming either confused or apprehensive in the presence of a caregiver.

Reflection..

I started my placement in a local children's home few weeks ago, my second placement since my first with a local childcare center ended.

I'm thankful for being granted this opportunity to see the real world. The difference between children in a childcare center and children in a children's home. The environment, the people, the feeling, I feel deeply.

Every Sat, I feel for the children. Every Sat, I feel for all the children in the world. Every Sat, I count my blessings. Every Sat, I count IZ's blessings.

I remember breaking down after the 1st session.

Every Sat, I ask myself, how can I help them better?

The feeling of helping one child at a time is not sufficient bugs me every week. It makes me feel helpless.

What can I do to help more children in need?

Different expressions..

Since young, IZ has been very particular and observant about faces, whether or not they are happy faces.

He would always say "this is happy.." and asked when he saw unhappy faces, for example, "why Humpty not happy?"

I bought Eggspression set for him some time ago, and a book about expressions was included. There were happy, excited, sad, angry, afraid, shy.

So, in his drawings, we would usually see happy faces. He dislikes unhappy or sad looking faces.

Lately, I can't be sure if he is being good in expressing different expressions on the face of what he drew or that he is unhappy.. I am not able to figure. As I saw his drawing only after they were done, not when he was drawing them. Otherwise, I would be able to hear his narration when he draws.

What do you think? 

I somehow felt this little ghost is so depressed

And I can't figure if this is an angry or shocked face

Guess I'll have to spend some time around him to observe his behaviour lately. I've been a little busy. I know he's crying for attention when he insists I bring him to the bathroom to pass urine, or when he asked me to take care of him.

Guilty stricken...

CHILD OF OUR TIME (EARLY LEARNING) BY DR. TESSA LIVINGSTONE

This book is really interesting as this is a real observation on children for the first 5 years of their early childhood.

I like that it shares some case studies followed by recommendations for appropriate age, ie. infant, toddler and older children.

I’m more convinced that every children can develop at their best with the right kind of support and a lot of love from their parents.

But I’m aware my parenting style needs continuous improvement, to ensure my son grow up to his potential.

THE TROUBLE WITH ALEX: A CHILD TOO DAMAGED TO LOVE BY MELANIE ALLEN

I finished reading this book within a day. Considering the book is about 300 pages and more, I must have ignored many aspects to be able to complete it.

The book is about a couple with a son adopting Alex whose birth mother was not capable of taking care of her properly due to excessive drugs and alcohol.

The book made me cry, made me sick, made me anxious as the story unfold, I couldn’t help but wanting the story to finish so I know what was exactly wrong with Alex, if any.

Personally believe Melanie was not ready to be an adopter, especially as she learnt Alex has learning difficulty or even suspected her of faking her difficulties. But sometimes, by the way Melanie described about Alex and her character, I couldn’t help to think Alex may be faking it too.

Melanie is not physically nor mentally prepared for the adoption. She was very honest in her book, on how she was not interested in learning about Alex’s development in school, brushing off anybody who has kind intention to help. She was always negative about Alex, wanting Alex to be part of them instead of the other way round.

Not just Melanie and Alex were the victim of the circumstances, but Rob and Daniel (Melanie’s son) too. Melanie and Rob went on separation, and Daniel is definitely affected in one way or another.

This book reminds me of my anticipation towards my son. At times, I think he was pretending, pretending to be “ignorant”. My take is, he is far too brilliant to be ignorant, but my mother-in-law always says “he is just 2 years old”. I always challenge her back; he is sometimes too smart for a 2 year old, you think he is that ignorant?

There are many parties involved in the adoption, which happened in UK, and I’m actually glad there are therapists, social services, hospitals, families to help these “disturbed” children.

For the first time in my years of reading, I found this book incomplete. Is that all? Is that what happened to Alex? Continuously being disturbed, at times brilliant, at times disturbed, at times violent, at times aggressive as she is too damaged to love? Is there nothing we can do to help her?

It is really sad..

Note: please consider properly and take on as many assessments possible if you choose to adopt children with special needs, they are not called “special needs children” out of fun.