"What do you want for your birthday, Mom?"

IZ: Mom, your birthday is coming, what present do you want?
Me: I want a birthday hug, kiss from you..
IZ: somemore?
Me: a birthday card you make
IZ: somemore?
Me: I want you to be healthy and happy
IZ: is that all?
Me: ya, that's all
IZ: then I'll remind you to give me vitamins when Ah Nah is off
Me: what has my birthday to do with your vitamins?
IZ: so that you remember to give me vitamins then I can be healthy!

The lack of dreams..

It has been 8 days since my MIL passed on in the hospital.

2-3 days before she left us, I dreamt of her, touching one of my SILs, hubby and I, sitting upright and asked us in a very clear voice, to take good care of ourselves. It was a total opposite of her physical state at that point of time, as she couldn't sit up right nor talk clearly then.

Ah Nah dreamt of her the very same night.

Then she left us on Mon, 20th Jun'16 close to 5am.

Ah Nah dreamt of her at 3am, that MIL called out to her.

I've not dreamt of her since. Neither did anyone else in the family. I'm very disappointed, sad, upset and depressed that she has not been coming to visit at all, be it spiritually or in my dream.

I cried for she didn't return on the 7th day like what some said, last visit to the home. I thought she was really attached to the house and IZ, she should be coming home. So we prepared dishes, left them on the dining table, and went to bed early. There was no sign of her at all.

Yesterday, while having breakfast, IZ said "mom, I had a good dream last night".

Me: oh? you had a good dream?

IZ: ya, I dream of Ah Ma. I called "AH MA!" and she opened her eyes to look at me! Isn't that a good dream!

Me: ya! that's a good dream!

I felt that dream was a closure for me at least. That she did appear to her beloved grandson, the one she was worried about the most.

I choose to believe now that she is happy in new place, reunited with her hubby, free from all the pain and suffering.

It's still painful to think of our happy days, and days we spent in the hospital. Our hearts ache terribly everyday. Tears dropped without any warning. We are mourning in the open.

We missed her very much..

One of my favorite pictures of them

Ah Mah in the hospital..

IZ says:

I wish Ah Mah can come home soon so that we can celebrate her birthday in August.

I wish Ah Mah is here to have this fresh dinner with us.

I wish Ah Mah can recover soon.

How can I make Ah Mah feel better?

Compassionate

While IZ is a good natured boy, as YJ always say, I've always been concerned as he has never displayed a little compassion. He has done a little of volunteer work, he understands how some people need help more than others. But I've never seen him concerned over anything, let alone show compassion or empathy.

When I had really bad migraine middle of last year, that I cried and cried. He told me it was the first time he saw me crying. But he said that as a matter of fact. He was not concerned at all.

I'm really worried that he'll grow up a cold person.

Lately I've seen that he was concerned over the grandma, remembering to pass the walking stick to grandma when she forgot.

Last night, for the first time, I saw compassion in him.

We were practising violin when he suddenly stepped on my right leg. I screamed out of pain. And he started crying. Despite the pain, I had to comfort him. I thought he was crying in case I start scolding. Then he said "I'm so sorry, MAMA!" and continue sobbing. "I'm so sorry".

I told him it's ok, I was just in pain. And I asked him why he cried?

He said "coz I feel so sorry for you, I feel so sad for you"

Totally melts my heart, I guess the boy does have a warm heart. What a relief...

Session #9

Since I started befriending X in July, we have had lots of hiccups. Mainly on my side due to the poor health I have.

Fever, lumps, flu, cold you name it.

I had to stay away from X as he's undergoing chemotherapy and his immunity is all time low. And there were days he just came back from his protocol, I couldn't visit.

So, from July to now (Dec), we have had only 9 sessions.

All this while, he has never really talked about his "illness". NEVER.

He has always been joyful, bubbly, chatty, calling "Aunty Colleen! Aunty Colleen!"

There were once he told me about taking cab to KKH. That's about it.

So you can imagine my surprise when he said "Aunty Colleen, doctor told said I cannot go out, need to stay at home".

That was a multi-million statement.

I reflected the same statement, he acknowledged, and he changed topic. Didn't bring it up again.

Then he chased me away as he wanted to eat noodles.

Next week will be his last protocol. Then after he'll have to take oral chemo pills. I learnt that we will not be able to know if he'll recover completely until 2 years later.

X and his family taught me valuable lessons every time I see them. Be strong, be happy. If not for I know of his illness, I wouldn't suspect anything amiss.

I wish, I pray for his good health.

The lump on my thyroid..

Updated on 16th Dec'15

And so I went for my review on Monday, all ready to make appointment for a surgery. I was told it's unlikely cancerous and the doctor wouldn't be too worried about it. Doctor said I could opt for some small incision surgery behind my lower lip or armpit (he didn't say armpit, he used a medical term). He suggested the options as I am prone to keloid and the nodule is small enough to be removed such. At the end of our few minutes conversation, I switched off a couple of times when he told me the names of the glands, possibility of bleeding, etc.

And so, coz I was not ready for anything for my lower lip nor armpit, I chickened out. I could live with the lump on my throat or neck. No one notices that anyway. At least so far only one friend on that ONE occasion.

So, I chose not to do the surgery, and asked for a review 6 months later instead for surveillance.


4th Dec'15

Glad to update here that the scan went well. The radiographer told me the nodule doesn't look harmful, and there's minimal blood flows in the nodule. So the nodule is not feeding (something like that). That really lifted the whole big rock off my shoulders.

And oh ya, the doctor is still talking about the very same nodule! Heehe!

And I feel like I could live normally again.

Really thankful of YJ who offered to keep me company for every visit. She was with me this scan, boy, was I glad and R.E.L.I.E.V.E.D!

Next review: 14th Dec!

Note to self: Remember to ask Dr Tan if I can continue my befriending role with CCF

30th Nov'15

As hubby had to send IZ for his eye review in KKH, I told him I could make my own way to SGH, from the office.

Registration was easy, the staffs were very friendly.

After waited for a while, there was a handsome young 3rd year medical student asked me into a room and started an interview. As we spoke, I realised there were some symptoms that may or may not be related to the lump.

Dr.  Tan came to introduce himself and told me he'll be back to me after the interview. He checked the lump and told me it's highly possible that it's not cancerous. I don't know what to say. Maybe deep down, I asked "how would you know?" Later, I regretted not asking.

He told me he'll do another ultrasound scan to confirm. So there were him, 2 other medical students, and a nurse around the treatment room while I had my neck scanned. He hesitated a while and then moved on to ask for FNAC (fine needed aspiration cytology) to be carried out. Then they left me in the room with the nurse.

I asked if the procedure would be painful. The helpful nurse gave me a piece of instructions to read. It'll be fine needle, so I don't suppose it'll be too much of pain. But in some events, I may be poked a few times. Technicians were called. They will be checking the specimens if there's enough cells to be checked.

Came a Dr. Stefan Mueller, asking me for my authorisation signature for the cytology. And he said he was highly confident that I'll be alright. It worried me as Dr Mueller is from oncology dept. Later, I also noticed he was the one who signed on my MC. I don't know if it's the SOP.

So, I was poked. I was surprised by how painless it was. And I thought it was all done when Dr Tan retracted the needle the first time. And then he did it again.. and again. Total 3 needles. By the time he was done with the 3rd one, I felt all the blood in me drained. My head started to feel light, my hands were heavy. I was passing out. I called out to them saying I was giddy.

Dr Tan was very assuring. Dr Mueller lifted my legs. Slowly I "regained" consciousness.

Later Dr. Tan told me what happened was normal. But I was not listening to the term he used. I was thinking of "hyper-ventilating" and "anxiety attack". Hahaha useless me!

So after rested for what seemed eternity, I told the nurse I could leave on my own already. She asked me to wait at the waiting area for payment and next appointment.

Was shocked when I was told I actually had to do another round of ultrasound scan. I had to go to Radiology Dept which was just across Head & Neck dept to fix an appointment. I peeped at the referral form "noted new right thyroid nodule (sloid/cystic) for assessment. WHAT?!?! Did they mean they found another one? Or was it the very same one?!

To be found out on 4th Dec.

25th Nov'15

Clinic called and told my referral letter is ready. My appointment is fixed at Head & Neck Centre in SGH on 30th Nov'15 with Dr. Tan Hiang Khoon, a senior consultant.

I didn't collect the referral letter until 29th Nov.

23rd Nov'15

Review with Dr. Chong. She said the growth is partly cystic and partly solid. It doesn't look like normal thyroid, so she'll recommend to refer me to specialist. I told her I'd prefer govt hospital.

You know, the part "partly cystic and partly solid" couldn't register in my mind. I had to ask her to repeat a few times, before I can remember. Was it my memory or was I in denial?

22nd Nov'15

No news about the ultrasound scan so I decided to drop by the clinic physically to check. They told me the result has just arrived.

18th Nov'15

Went for ultrasound in AMK.

17th Nov'15

All thanks for the shifu's pointer about taking extra good care of my health and about early intervention, I decided to see doc immediately. Waited for a good 2 hours, to be told I'll get a referral for ultrasound.

16th Nov'15

I caught a glimpse of the lump on my neck on the mirror. I already walked past it, but I went back to the mirror and took a good look at it. It was obviously a growth on my neck.

Then I thought of the day YJ pointed out something unusual with my neck. She used her phone to take a photo to show me. But I can't remember when was that.

Little I did know, that would be one of the questions to be asked. When exactly was the lump first noticed?

Months.. how many months, I'm not sure anymore.. Neither can YJ..

Random updates over the weekendI

Dr Tan polishing and scaling his teeth
Super co-operative!

Strawberry Cheesecake, anyone!

The first title I could read ever since I took up Guzheng for real

Free performance by BHSO
I saw a Lute today!

How about modern guitar in Baroque music?
Thumbs up!

Tongue Tie Release

It was stressful to keep track of the time and made IZ had his last meal (a pineapple tart), last milk (at 2.30am) and last water (at 6.50am) on the day of surgery.

We arrived at 9.30am sharp.

Registration at 9.30am

We went into the Day Surgery department after registration. Weight and height measured. Numbing cream "plastered".

And he had to take off everything except his underwear..

And change into the hospital "gown"

The sexiest patient I've ever seen

Added tag

 Then we were brought to Level 2 to wait for the surgery.

In the waiting room..

Enjoyed himself while waiting..

I guess he was nervous

After waited what seemed forever.. hmm it was really forever.. the surgery was "supposedly scheduled" at 10.30am.. we were not called for the OT until close to 11.30am.. I started to feel hungry, I could imagine IZ too, but he didn't complain. Felt heart pain seeing his dry lips. I dared not ask him if he was feeling hungry or thirsty.

He's got cold feet while we were headed to OT11, for few steps he took forward, he took one backward. Once he stepped into the OT, he wanted to leave. It was scary.. there were 6-7 staffs in OT attire, although they were all very friendly.

So he refused to blow the balloon (the breathing mask). He chose to be poked, but it took them forever, and he started crying in pain while I held him tight. It didn't occur to me then, why he felt pain when he had numbing cream on both his hands? They didn't manage to poke him even after IZ keeping still for a while.

Apparently the numbing cream didn't spread under the plaster, so the vein area they supposed to poke was not numb. And so he could feel the pain. Duhz!

After another what seemed forever of bubbles blowing and many distractions by the nurses, I decided to bring out my weapon (the tobot smart key), in the hope he would be too distracted to resist anything.

He still refused to use the mask. So they gave us syrup to make him giddy. He refused to drink at first, but finished it eventually, with cup, with syringe, with cup. Estimated time to be giddy, 10mins.

15mins past.. nothing happened, he was not even close to giddy.

Tried to ask him to blow the balloon again, he refused..

By then I was perspiring, desperately trying to keep calm and patient..

The consultant finally said (after 30/45 mins?!) if still cannot put him to sleep, we have to reschedule the surgery.

I finally asked IZ once more "do you want your friends to be able to hear you speak properly?"

He said "yes".

"Ok, so, do as said. You just need to count to 20"

They made him lie down on the bed..

And so he counted .. up to 19.. and he said "20 already what" and struggled to sit up..

Seeing he was still very awake, they held on him, head, hands, legs and "knock him out" - he struggled while losing consciousness (the hardest moments in my parenting life thus far)

I was near to tears when the staffs thanked me, and I thanked them instead. And packed and left the OT. If I was left alone, I would have cried.

I waited outside as asked, I was trembling.

After a while (10mins later), the young doc came out and announced that the tongue tie was released. It was over in 1 minute. He's prescribed some numbing gel and panadol for the wound. We were to go back for post-surgery review the week after. He said the staffs will let me know when I can go in to see IZ.

My bro and hubby then came up to join me.

Another 20mins later, I was asked to go in and look at IZ in the Recovery Room. There was ONE nurse attached to EACH kid. He was still unconcious. They told me usually the kids will regain consciousness after half hour.

1.5 hours passed.. but he didn't show any sign of waking up - despite attempts to wake him. At one point, he sat up, then he knocked out again.

Consultant then came, and pressed the back of his ears to wake him. He woke up with an "OUCH!" and knocked out again. They agreed he was ok to be released to Day Surgery.

He continued sleeping when we transferred him to Day Surgery. And was still sleeping after I finished my lunch.

The nurse told hubby we had to wake him so that he wouldn't get gastric from empty stomach.

Slowly he managed to be awake, although we could see he was still feeling giddy.

We were discharged at 4pm..

I was then stressed about the pain he would probably feel after the surgery. It wasn't until 3 hours later, he crunched and held his jaw in pain. But he didn't cry and didn't complain. Asked if he was feeling painful, he said Yes.

He went about as usual, except for the occasional pause to breathe in when he felt painful. I was really amazed by his pain tolerance. A strong boy I have.

For his bravery....

Spiderman balloon and Captain America from JiuJiu
Tobot Smart Key from daddy and mommy
A bravery award from the hospital

I was really impressed by KKH service:
1) the flow was really smooth - from one point to another
2) the staffs were really friendly and patient - they treat your precious like their very own
3) the hospital is really children friendly - it's really not called a Children's hospital for nothing!
4) one nurse to one child in the recovery room - taking note of their pulses every interval
5) they called me on the 2nd working day after the surgery to check on IZ's condition

Some minor stuffs:
1) numbing cream do not spread under the plaster.. err..
2) pharmacist went for late lunch, thus not able to deliver medicine - luckily hubby was with us, so we could fetch the medicine ourselves
3) I didn't even know which was the doctor which was the nurse!
4) for sure, there were the same SOP questions asked throughout the flow.. when was the last food, when was the last water, any metals in/on the body etc.. Was there a need for some many rounds? The timing wouldn't change, would they?

Now, I'm looking forward to what doc has to say at the post-surgery review.

Well done, IZ!

Tomorrow is THE DAY..

We rescheduled his surgery from 5th Feb'15 to 12th Feb'15 as his cough and runny nose did not recover within the 10 days time frame. Since rescheduled, he was on the way to recovery and recovered completely well over the 10 days time frame.

But this time frame was the longest ever. I am paranoia, over possibility he'll catch bug and fall sick again. Any sneeze he made, sent a jolt to my heart, maybe like an AED. "not again" I would think. Really stressed to keep up.

Thank goodness, all is well. We avoided crowded places, although he continued going to school and classes.

KKH sent a sms on 9th Feb'15 to call them if he has fever/cough/cold.

Tomorrow is THE DAY.

KKH called me a while ago to give me the fasting instructions (asking again if he has fever/cough/cold for the past 2 weeks):

No food after 12am (milo/milk is ok)
Only water after 3am
No food/drink after 7am

Registration at 9.30am, surgery is estimated to be at 10.30am.

(Gosh, I really don't know how he can fast this long.. will he cry coz he's hungry?)

I have mixed feelings.

Anxious, I pray for his smooth recovery and least pain possible. My heart is aching whenever I think of him crying in pain.

Anticipating, the day has finally come for him to overcome his speech problem (and maybe swallowing problem too).

Worried, that he doesn't improve even after surgery and speech therapies. What should we do?

I've prepared the Tobot Smart Key as a gift. Hopefully that can distract him a little off the pain he may experience.

I pray for a smooth and speedy recovery.

Half day in KKH

It was terribly long few hours yesterday, our first appointment in ENT.

Nice landscape at B1

We were registered by 1.30 pm, did the audio test by 2.15pm. Saw the doc by 2.30pm, made payment, scheduled for the day surgery, it was already 3pm - all in Level 2. Then went to the playground and pharmacy at Level 1. Then went to the Rehabilitation Dept and Day Surgery at Level B1. Then went back to canteen at Level 1. Then went down to Level B1 to catch a cab home.

Yummy OREO!

In the audio room, a set of headphone was placed, and he was to raise his hand whenever he heard any sound. I found it agonizing. It was not a short 10 times trial, but I believe he raised his hands more than 50 times. I understand about different frequency pitches and all, but to see him so near to nap time, so tired yet so excitedly raising his hand (sometimes both hands) when he hear something, and was not allowed to move his legs etc,.. believe me, it was agonizing. So much so I was near to tears. Why does it have to be him going through this? I know.. silly right, it was nothing, but a set of headphone, but I still question, nonetheless.. His hearing was perfect although his ears were covered with ear wax. Errm.. I've never cleaned his ears, to be honest, I thought ears are supposedly "auto-cleansing". Looks like I was wrong.

Then we went to the see the doctor. Information was scattered. I'm not sure if it was because I had blocked my brain (or ears) or had somewhat made up my mind on something. I couldn't digest what the doctor was saying. One moment, she was asking me to fix surgery date. Next moment, she said she could clear the ear wax for him when he is under GA. Next, she said she needs to soften the ear wax with olive oil. And then she said we could do it at home too. Then she said about can fix an appointment just to clear ear wax (not surgery day). Then she said see how it goes. Mostly see how it goes, so how will it go?

Anyway, I decided he should go for the surgery. Doctor said it'll be using laser (knife / scissor.. I couldn't remember) and there will not be a single drop of blood. What a relief. Have to undergo GA for 5-10 mins and that the cutting will be done in the count of 5. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, done" she said.

The doctor was so kind to tell me that she could prescribe something for his runny nose and cough. Very much appreciated, then I could skip the trip to Sinsei!

So we waited to make payment. Both the audio and the nurse at the doctor said "I cannot give you a candy as you are coughing". The payment counter, was attended by a lady who was transferred from the Eye dept. This is when you feel like you know KKH that well. Like oh ya, I've been to both departments! The lady offered IZ a balloon, he said he wanted green, and he got the last green.

Happy boy with his reward

Then we had to wait to fix appointment for the day surgery.

While waiting, I was shoved a piece of paper for the Rehabilitation Department to schedule for his speech therapy. Yup, speech therapy is essential to train him how to speak properly with his "new tongue". I shivered thinking the waiting list of 6 months.

Surgeries are available only on Mon and Thu. I chose Thu and the earliest possible. Hubby has been really busy, and I do not think there's a need for both parents to be around (although it'd be nice if so). Only a parent is allowed to company anyway, so I guess we'll just go ahead, with or without daddy. Thursday is also a good day so that he doesn't skip too many days of school (and me, work).

BUT........ we'll not know what time is the surgery until the day before. They'll call us from 4-6pm to inform us of the time and the fasting instruction. EH?!

By then, he has been bugging me about playing at the playground, and me holding on to 3 tasks, ie. to get prescribed medicine in the pharmacy, to go to the day surgery to get the cost, and to rehabilitation dept for speech therapy appointment.

Felt bad that I didn't keep my promise (playground after seeing doctor - of which I broke coz we had to wait for our turn to make payment, and wait for our turn to make appointment for day surgery), I let him play for 15 mins.

Then it was another waiting game at the pharmacy. We waited close to 50mins in total to get the prescriptions, which were heavily subsidized. For a small bottle of Zrytec, a packet of Fluimicil, a bottle of virgin olive oil and another flu/cough syrup, it cost us only S$11+.  Oh, not to mention, we had to queue to make the payment too.

All this while, I was worried about him skipping nap. Like what if he suddenly knock out and want to nap, how do I carry him with all the barang-barang and the tasks in hand?

So in order to perk him up a little, I told him we could have his favorite egg prata after we're done. Big mistake, later on, I tried to change the direction to Saybons / Delifrance where I could have better yumcha, he refused, and insisted to have egg prata. :-/

Before yumcha, we went to the Rehabilitation Department to make appointment for the speech therapy. I was very lucky as there were toys and tables there to keep him occupied. He was very happy while I waited for our turn and given a date, 1 week from the surgery. woohoo! I was so happy and felt lucky that we do not have to wait 6 months! Maybe because he has to undergo surgery, so therapy should start immediately otherwise he will not use his tongue properly? Asking him to head to Day Surgery was not easy. He said he wanted to stay there coz he was having fun. I told him we'll be back next month (not exactly a good thing, but that's the truth).

At the Day Surgery, he found something to keep himself occupied too. So the helpful lady printed out something called Financial Counseling Form (if I remember correctly). It'll cost us S$541 for the day surgery including GA and 3 hours rest. He has to be able to eat and drink without problem before releasing. If we decided to stay beyond the 3 hours, it'll be chargeable (obviously). We can pay using Medisave first and claim insurance thenafter.

Finally, it was yumcha time. That, we had to wait too. There were 2 customers before us. Telling me he would eat a little bit, I ordered just ONE egg prata and waited. The Indonesian lady before us with 2 kids ordered Indian rojak and 2 pratas but she didn't have enough money. She had $10 only while the whole cost was $11.80. Right away, I wanted to jump in and pay for her. But something held me back. She ordered banana prata, tissue prata with chocholate and a big plate of rojak. So, I was not sure if she genuinely calculated wrongly or not. She asked the stall to keep the rojak, who refused, saying he cut already he can't take it back. I decided that even if she is not telling the truth (that she didn't have enough money with her), I would do a good deed. Not just for her, for myself too. It's only $1.80 anyway.

IZ decided the prata was too nice to be shared. I only took 2 bites and he finished the rest. I couldn't buy another one as queue was building up.

Yummy prata!

Even the queue for the cab was terrible. It was 5+. On the way back, IZ nearly doze off. I had to keep him engaged and entertained. When we reached our block, he could have fallen asleep while walking. It was not easy to keep him awake for the next 2 hours and gave him medicine before knocking out completely at 8.20pm when my yoga class started!

Oh ya, dropped the olive oil into his ear yesterday and I saw some came out today. Hopefully it'll get better and need not help from the doctor.

He has to be in best of health for 10 days leading to the surgery. So if he still has runny nose or coughing by next week or we have to reschedule, EVERYTHING!

Tongue-Tied..

I can't remember if I've shared IZ has pronunciation problem, especially with f, s, c. We noticed since he started talking, ie. when he could answer when strangers asked him "what's your name?"

The most irony about the mispronunciation has always been his look when he has to repeat his name, sometimes twice, sometimes thrice, and many a times, we have to jump in to "save him". Strangers will then go "Oh, IZ!"

His form teacher once told us not to worry about his pronunciation as he was too young. In the last PTM, she told us she was worried of his pronunciation as he didn't show improvement although she had been correcting him for a year.

I thought of monitoring him this year as he progressed to K1. I've checked the cost of speech therapies last year, and it would cost us BOMBS.

Not sure what struck me. I started googling more information about his pronunciation problem and got really worried on Monday. I wrote to a fellow mommy with similar experience in SMH and asked if she could share her experience.

Her information was very helpful. And it was frightening as she shared that her son withdrew coz of speech problem. I started to panic and immediately made appointment to Polyclinic for referral to KKH. I confirmed that would be a cheaper way.

So doctor did an assessment and concluded that his speech problem could be due to tongue-tied (short frenulum). She said "a minor surgery" could be done to solve this. If not, speech therapy would do.

She referred us to KKH ENT for further review.

Appointment was made on 16th Feb'15, but I called earlier today to check if there was possibilities to change to other dates. Kinderland would be having CNY performance on the 16th, I wouldn't want IZ to miss out the fun for hospital visit.

Luck was on our side, the lady who answered the phone actually gave me 22nd Jan'15 instead! How lucky!

I'm very anxious, nervous, worried, all jumbled up. And a little in denial too.

I remember how I was treading very carefully between correcting his pronunciation mildly and not over-doing it so that he doesn't withdraw and never speak again.

I remember how anxious I am every time people ask him to repeat what he said and correct him. At times making fun of him.

I remember how I've threatened him to speak properly, pronounce accurately by telling him if he doesn't, we would have to go for doctors and it'll cost us money, thus we won't be able to afford to go on holidays. Little did I know, he actually couldn't help it! :-(

Now that I'm reading more about the surgery, all the more I pray not to be put through this agony.

Although it's a minor surgery, I don't think my frail heart can see him in pain in any way.

Please Lord Buddha, I pray to you. Please give us strength. If there's anything wrong I've done in my past lives, please let the Karma be on me instead of the little one.

Added on 15th Jan'15:

Apparently heart-shaped tongue is not exactly normal. It could affect our pronunciation to certain extent. To some, severe mis-pronunciation, to some, very minor.

IZ's 1st Dental Visit

When I went for my dental months ago, I asked my dentist, Dr. Tan if she does for kiddos too. She showed me all her "weapons" for kiddos, mainly stickers, barbie dolls etc. So I made appointment for IZ to have his first dental visit. Mainly to create awareness of what he would expect if he neglects his teeth, so that his wouldn't be like mine!

He was anxious, held onto my hand most of the times, but he co-operated. Dr. Tan had a special way of counting his milk teeth.

Conclusion is he brushed his teeth well, they are clean except for the top left part. And the milk teeth has gap which is a good sign, that when adult teeth make their way, they will have sufficient space (cross our fingers and toes).

Cute glasses

Whenever Dr. Tan talks, he would do this

Start taking photos

One of the photos captured
Nice gap!

With Dr. Tan

Reward for being a brave boy

For each time Dr. Tan says "good boy, clever boy"
she'll put one in the red packet

Happy boy!

Random updates

And so, the renovation started..

Orange popsicle on a hot day - Daiso has such innovative mould!

Fell in the field, from chasing after birds

Fell while scooting the next day

Snakes & Ladders

Cookie Monster, he said
Superb job I would say

Cookie Monster for Mommy, he said

My Breasties..

This is going to be a super lengthy post. To cut story short, I was referred to Dr. Joy Lee in Mt A to check my breasties (aka breasts) due to pain and lumps.

Below the chronology of what happened the past a week or so.. I'm just so glad I'm OK!

I'M OKAY!!! (hmm.. ok.. I am feverish and have very bad sorethroat and all, but heck, what's flu compared to cancer?!)

Except for one small cyst on my left breast, I'm breast cancer-free for the next 3-6 months at least. Dr. Joy says I do not have to go back to her ever year if not necessary. She's really nice, she taught me how to do self-examination. She also says I can do further checks if I want to, but in her opinion, it's not worth it. Why, she's the expert here, so I trust her. She has seen and touched much more breasts than we have ever seen and touched ours!

Now that my breasties are normal, they became a benchmark, so I have to get used to what's normal so that I can tell what's abnormal in the future (touch-wood) if it happens. (so many so and so and so eh?)

I'm really grateful that all this is covered under my Company's insurance.

I'M JUST SO GLAD AND RELIEVED, IT'S LIKE I'M RE-BORN.. NEVER TO TAKE GOOD HEALTH FOR GRANTED!


21st Apr'14:

Butterflies in my stomach while I clear my work in the office before the appointment. Hate the feeling.

12pm:

Been waiting in Dr Joy's since 1.5 hours ago. So they do not take appointment as it is, they do first in first serve. I should have came much earlier.

Sitting and waiting is tormenting.

Although technically it's like seeing a Gynae. Problem is I didn't come here for routine check, I'm here to have my lumps checked.

The staffs have friendly face. Dr Joy comes out every time she released a patient and takes another card in personally.

Listening to the staffs making conversations and phone calls make me nervous. All I could hear was biopsy, mammogram, biopsy, mammogram and "doctor suggest you see her again next year" which is so cool isn't it?

It was finally my turn after 2 hours of waiting..


20th Apr'14:

Woke up from a dream about my scan. I'm just so glad I chose private specialist, the wait is much shorter compared to govt specialist. Seriously cannot imagine waiting for months to know the outcome. Few days is tormenting enough.

IZ was extremely gluey during sports class today. Something never happened before. He wanted me to sit with him during the warm-up exercise. While I would be glad if he's gluey coz I am expecting or something, it's different matter altogether when I know I'm NOT.

I couldn't help wondering if he sensed something is amiss with me.

Since I was being referred to a specialist to have the lumps in my breasts checked, I feel anxious all the free time. Whenever there's a split second to spare, I would be thinking of the lumps and the possibilities.

Hubby and I talked. We both agreed if it's time, it's time. We are hanging on for the worst.

I thought I was ready for the worst. What can be the worst? That the lumps are indeed cancerous? 

All thanks to Internet, I'm ready for the "processes" ahead. Register, scan, how many lumps, what's the sizes, need biopsy or can conclude straight that they are benign, etc etc. I make conscious effort not to think about the cost involved, what is money next to good health?

Then came all the reflections in everything I do (or I don't do).

If indeed it's cancer, there's a list of to do:
1) cut hair short (and eventually shave them if need to go for chemo)
2) join support group
3) stay strong for IZ
4) keep smiling
5) fight fight fight!


19th Apr'14:

Today's therapy was good although it was not all smooth sailing.

Went to the Clinic to collect the referral letter. I am relieved they chose Dr Joy Lee from Mt A. Although I read some review about her cool character etc.

Massage lady came, and she asked why the lump on my right breast is so big. And asked when it developed. I have absolutely no idea. Seriously I'm not sure if I ever not have lumps before? I can't be sure!

Can't help feeling worried about the outcome now that another person confirmed my breasts are lumpy.

So, I'm not imagining what I felt.


18th Apr'14:

It's Good Friday public holiday. We had a great morning as a family. Later in the afternoon, Issac and I had fun at a play date.

While we were at the playdate, I contemplated to tell my group of mommy friends about Monday's appointment, but decided against it. I was not ready to face them knowing yet.

17th Apr'14:

HR passed to me a list of hospitalisation charges for govt and private hospital. Talk about efficiency.

Hope I do not need to use any.

Statistically, 9 out of 10 women have lumps in their breasts. So, I'm quite sure what I feel are lumps. Dr confirmed that. I just need some high tech machine to tell me if they are benign, no?

Gynae told me 1 out of 10 women will have breast cancer, I hope I'm not so lucky.

Went to sinsei for my stiff shoulders and neck. He took longer than usual to check my pulse. In fact, he checked thrice each hand. I was half expecting him to look into my eyes and tell me some bad news. But he said I caught flu bug, it's just that it's not fully "developed".

On the hindsight, Jen is moving in early next month.

If indeed it's cancer, it's probably a blessing that she'll be here, and I will not feel too lonely.

If it's not, what else! I should keep celebrating life with my bestie!

I just have to keep telling myself fortune teller told me I'll live till 80yo! (although ironically, he also said I'll have many children including a pair of twins.. which didn't happen)...

*cross fingers and toes*


16th Apr'14:

Clinic called me at 10.13am, saying referral letter is ready. Knowing my HR requires a copy of the referral letter, I asked for the letter to be copied. I was told the letter will not be sealed, so I can make the copy myself.

Confirmed with HR again that specialist fee is covered under Company's insurance. I guess this insurance bit really helps. In the event I require surgery or hospitalisation, Insurance will pay for 4-bedder room, and I will have to pay the balance. Fair enough. It's really better than paying everything on my own.

Somehow my heart just couldn't stop beating really fast. I feel feverish throughout the day. I wonder if I caught flu bug or I have some psychological issue. Too anxious about Monday appointment probably? I'm scared of dying apparently.

Asked hubby if he's afraid I will die, he said "of course!".

Oh ya, received pap-smear's result, all is normal, yippie!


15th Apr'14:

There was no call from the Clinic. I called them to follow-up after lunch. They called me back and asked which part I want to check first, my shoulder or my breasts. Although my shoulder/neck still giving me problem, I somehow feels my breasts ought to be checked first. Instinct, you can call that.

So the Clinic staff told me she'll look into it and make appointment. So I asked her where would the specialist be, she said most probably Mount Alvernia. I heaved another sigh of relief and asked for a female specialist. A friend who gave me 2 recommendations (without knowing I was the one who needed the recommendation), was all from Mt A. I was telling her "so it seemed Mt A is famous for breasts specialist".

Later, the staff called me again and said appointment is made in Mt A, on 21st Apr'14 (the first available appointment due to Good Friday holiday) at 11am.

I'm more settled.

Read a bit more on breast cancer and all. It's less intimidating with the facts and information. But it is depressing to read stories about cancer patients/survivors/victims. I imagined how I want to be if the worst really happen. For sure I do not want to be remembered as "she was always crying in pain". Just like how I remember my neighbour who screamed and cried in pain when she was dying of bone cancer.

I'm not sure if I'm afraid, but my mind did run very fast. It feels as if nothing else matters now.

What ifs.. a lot of what ifs going on in my mind.

I went for a short 20 mins run without IZ. I was at peace, glad to be able to breathe fresh air, glad to be able to run and sweat, glad to be able to listen to music, glad to be able to see the sky and the trees.

I'm not willing to let go yet, but if it comes, it comes.

I felt feverish, but I slept better.


14th Apr'14:

Told HR and asked if our insurance card covers. Insurance agent then came and explained that consultation in a specialist is covered, as well as X-ray and etc. Unlimited. What a relief.

Clinic called me and said insurance company said my card is not covered. Oh, then we realised coz it's referral to a 3rd party X-ray and Ultrasound. After clarifying again and again, to and fro, it finally confirmed that the clinic would have to write a referral to a specialist clinic, and not test in specialist clinic. I'll be covered if it's the former but not the latter.

Later that night, at about 9.25pm, clinic called me and asked if I have any preference in which hospital. I told them no, but I prefer private specialist for shorter waiting time.

That night I couldn't sleep well, coz I'm not sure what I'm in.

In the event all these checks proved it's nothing worrying, then I would be relieved.

But if in the event all these checks lead to subsequent checks or operations, then where would that lead me to? Will I be covered with my insurance? Is it sufficient?


13th Apr'14:

Woke up feeling pain all over, breasts, shoulders, neck etc. Decided to put an end to it, and got a Q number at Sterling Clinic.

We were told it would be a 3 hours wait.

Meanwhile, brought helper to Lim & Chan Clinic for medical check-up. So decided to check-in myself. Unfortunately it was a male doctor, so I only told him of my shoulder pain. He ruled out nerves problem. And prescribed pain relief and oilment. Well, to be honest, I've not been too convinced in this clinic. Have you ever questioned why this clinic is not crowded while people still want to go Sterling (just across the road) when they know it'll take hours and hours?

It wasn't until a good 4 hours later I get to see Dr in Sterling Clinic.

Dr. confirmed that my breasts are lumpy. She also confirmed shoulder pain is not caused by nerves. She said it's probably something poking on the nerves. Either bone spur or growth etc.

And so we decided to go for X-ray (for shoulder) and ultrasound (for breasts).

They told me they will have to check with insurance company if my insurance card covers the X-ray and Ultrasound.

Meanwhile, I was to take some medicine.


12th Apr'14:

On and off I still experience the electrical shock on my left shoulder blade, exactly same spot. Every time it happens, hubby would help to press to ease the ache.


11th Apr'14:

I experienced super sharp pain at one point on my left shoulder blade. It's so sharp it could jolt me, just like an electric shock.


10th Apr'14:

Time flies, another year went by. Went for pap-smear check today. As usual, there was this urge to fake a bump whenever I stepped in TMC. Somehow I always imagined the preggers were all very smug about their bumps. Hahaha! Maybe I was too, once upon a time...

Dr Yvonne asked about IZ and if we really confirmed not having another one. I think she relented and accepted that we would not have another one. I made a mental note to bring IZ next year so that he could see who "cut me up and brought him out".

I told Dr Yvonne about my concern on breast cancer and all. She said since there was no family history, I can start doing mammogram at the age of 40. Meanwhile, I can do my own self-check.

Ovaries were cleared, uterus was cleared, no cyst no abnormalities. I heaved a sigh of relief, and look forward to pap-smear result to be mailed in 2 weeks time. (result came back few days later, cleared of cervical cancer too!)

I have completely forgotten about the breasts pain I experienced lately, till in the night, when I had the pain again.

Anxiety Attack

I noticed IZ kept pressing his left chest last night. The first time I saw that, I didn't think much. As he did it again.. and again, although subtly, I started to feel worried and brought it up to hubby's attention.

When asked why, he said painful. He could pinpoint to us where's the painful part. And I checked that there was no physical injury. Asked if he knocked on something he said no too.

So we decided to bring him to the Pd this morning to have a check. Better be safe than sorry.

When we entered the consultation room, Dr asked if he was going to school, if he enjoyed going to school and that school is fun as he has friends there. He shook his head to all the questions. When asked who was his best friend, he named his playdate as his best friend.

Dr shared with us that chest pain on children (ruling out accidents aka physical injuries) caused by 2 possibilities. Either cardiac related problem or anxiety.

He ruled out cardiac related problem, as he checked that IZ's lungs and all are strong and healthy. He is on the verge of flu, but that's about it.

So, Dr says it could be anxiety caused in school. It came clearer to us when I shared about his frequent need to urinate. He says if we do not intervene now, it would probably aggravate from chest pain to tummy pain. By then it would be serious.

He advised us to tell teachers in the school to lookout for him, be gentle for now and lookout for case of bullying.

He was involved in some sort of physical bullying this week, I didn't expect it could be this bad. A peer hit on him on one day, and he got pinched by another peer on the next day.

Suddenly it became clearer on why he was always upset to wake up to go to school although he used to love and go to school happily.

This is yet another wake up call for us to pay extra attention on not brushing his feelings aside when he told us he got "bullied". He probably has suppressed a lot in school that he vent it all out at home, thus the naughty behaviours.

I'm just so glad we took him to the doctor, and hope it's not too late to do damage control.

Concluding a crazy week.. (I hope)..

Somehow feel "crazy" is an understatement. It's like "horrendously mad" week it has been.

Just when work turns slightly better for me, all other "personal" stuffs took to one of its worst corner.

The elderly at home has not been feeling well. I really have to admit (hubby agreed too) that it was our bad that it comes to this stage. We have neglected her long enough, overestimated her capability of taking care of herself. I've took for granted her ability to bathe, to feed, to take medicine on her own. She has, really like the saying, turned into a child that really needs a lot of attention. I promise not to neglect her ever again. She is turning 84 come Aug, our house does have a precious.

As if the little one sensed all the tense at home, he too cranked up. He has been literally screaming for attention. Crying at the slightest thing like some water on his shirt/pants. Or latest fit in the morning, refusing to let helper help him with the wet-marketing trolley.

Temper has been quick. Yelling seems to be his choice for communication. And crying.. with real and crocodile tears.

Digging him out of bed is a chore, we take turns to do it so that we do not gets too boiled up.

We have discussed to ignore him at point of his tantrum, and would tell him to look for us when he has cooled down and talk nicely. I hope our consistency would work.

I can't help thinking what's the reason behind, what caused him so upset this week.

Has it been the tense at home coz the elderly has not been feeling well?

Is it because I was not in the best moods before I settled my work stuffs?

Is it because he's not feeling well?

Is it too much TV?

Too much pressure? From us?

Is it negligence?

It it related to helper?

I do know however, to pay close attention to him too.

Yesterday morning, while he was crying his heart out, I went down to him and asked if he wanted me to give him a hug. He shook his head, and cried that he wanted the daddy to hug him. When the daddy did, he stopped crying immediately.

This morning, when I offered to bring him for the wash up, he perks up, and co-operative the whole washing up. I've probably been to reliant on helper to take care of his being and missed the slightest hint of change of mood.

Having said that, I remember reading a book. About how we should let them know about emotions. Life is not just about being happy and bubbly. There are ups and downs in life, it's how we manage them. I may not be the best example, but I shall learn to manage our downs together.

A friend said I should feel relieved that IZ is finally behaving like a 3yo. I am surprised. Probably IZ has put up a real angelic front to outsiders, but I'm sure the 4 adults at home do not think he is anything angelic. Ops!

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.” —Steve Furtick.

So, I have an elderly and a young precious crying for our undivided attention.

The ride is tough, we've gotta hang on tight!

"I wish my baby never grow up"

If you ever wished your baby never grow up..

Read this..

Think again..

Therapeutic Play.. for children in need.

Many may be aware of what Play Therapy is, some may have heard but do not know much, some may have not heard about Play Therapy before.

So, what exactly is Play Therapy and who can benefit from it? – Please read the article below.

From: http://www.singaporeartscienceprize.edu.sg/main/index.php/groups/29-kid-do-stuff/166-play-therapy-child

Helping a Child Through Play Therapy
By JANE FRAMINGHAM, PH.D.


Adults often think of child’s play as mere fun and games, or a way to fill time. Actually, imaginative and creative play assists a child’s cognitive growth and emotional adjustment. Through play, a child develops self-confidence, a positive self-image and learns to express feelings, make decisions and cope with real-life situations. As such, play can be therapeutic, helping a child deal with and overcome problems that inhibit his normal development.

How does play therapy work?
Play therapy offers a child a safe place to play out-rather than talk out-his thoughts, feelings and problems. The therapist chooses toys that encourage “fantasy play,” such as clay, sand, water, drawing materials and puppets, as well as toys that enable a child to act out real-life scenarios. The therapist builds a warm and supportive relationship with the child, thereby encouraging the child to open up through the symbolic language of play.

During a therapy session, few limits are set and the child is given complete freedom to control his play and actions. In such a protective, yet empowering environment, the child generally leads the therapist to the source of his emotional disturbance through his activity and behavior. The therapist uses developmentally appropriate techniques to help the child let go of negative or restricting feelings and develop coping mechanisms to use in real life.

Who can benefit from play therapy?
All children go through stages or an occasional emotional “crisis.” But some children have serious problems, often caused by:

Neglect

Family violence
Divorce, separation or other changes in a family situation
Severe burns or disfigurement
Chronic illness
Deafness or other physical challenges
Grief
Hospitalization
Learning disabilities or other mental challenges
Often, a child needing help displays the following traits or behaviors:

Poor academic performance
Poor relationship with peers or siblings
Passivity, withdrawal
Bedwetting after toilet training
Reading problems
Social immaturity
Speech difficulties
Refusal to speak
Preoccupation with sex
Excessive worrying, anger, sadness or anxietyPhobias
Aggressive behavior or acting out
Knowing if a child needs professional help is not always easy. Ask your family physician or a mental health professional for guidance.

 

I’m currently a Therapeutic Play Trainee, looking for suitable case studies.

As such, I welcome any individuals if you have any referral or recommendation or if you need more information; please drop me an email at iz_mum@yahoo.com

.

I have listed herewith, what you'll be expecting.

What’s after initial contact?

I’ll need the referrer to fill in Referral Form and the teacher/parent/guardian/child (if he is older than 3.5 years old) to complete the SDQ questionnaire. This is to determine whether the child needs therapy and if I’m suitable to take on the case.

What’s next?

If concluded that the child’s case could be taken on, we’ll have to sign on a confidentiality agreement. This is necessary to protect you and your child from breach of confidentiality.

Then, we’ll work out a plan on where and when the therapy will be held.

How long is a session?

Elaboration on Play Therapy: 1) 45mins of therapeutic hour (the child will be exposed to all kind of play, eg. sandplay, storytelling, clay, puppets, arts, music etc)
2) the therapeutic hour is non-directive approach, led by child, the therapist follows
3) 1 case study usually take about 12 sessions depending on SDQ outcome (sometimes more)
4) 1 session per week

As a trainee, I can only take on 2 cases a week, thus, I appreciate your understanding if my schedule is full, I believe we can make some arrangement thenafter.

How do you know if it works?

After ¾ of the therapy journey, the same SDQ forms will be answered by teacher/parent/guardian/child. The result will be evidence.

Do note however, of the statistics:

¢  For all children referred 70% will show a positive change

¢  For those who are abnormal/at risk 76% will show a positive change

¢  For those who at considerable risk 82% will show a positive change

¢  For those at the extreme 88% will show a positive change

¢  So you could say ‘between 70% and 88% will show a positive change depending on the severity of the problems

How much do I charge?

I charge absolutely nothing for the therapy as a trainee. However, I do not have a therapy room, if you are not able to provide a room for therapy at the comfort of your own home, I would have to seek your understanding to absorb rental of a therapy room.

Rental of therapy room subjected to availability, the cost right now is $30 per session.

Is your room suitable?

 1.     A play room, or play space that is safe in terms of confidentiality, physical security and consistency.  This must be consistently available and kept clear of extraneous equipment or materials for the times of play therapy sessions.

2.      Absolute privacy during every play therapy session, with no interruptions, respected by every member of the family.

I look forward to embark on this meaningful journey to help children in need.