N. Paganini

Tonight I decided to skip violin practice..

Not for long.. IZ asked to search for Paginini's on YouTube. And so we spent the whole night listening to some of the most difficult violin pieces and learning the life of Paganini.

One of the best "practice" days.

The lack of dreams..

It has been 8 days since my MIL passed on in the hospital.

2-3 days before she left us, I dreamt of her, touching one of my SILs, hubby and I, sitting upright and asked us in a very clear voice, to take good care of ourselves. It was a total opposite of her physical state at that point of time, as she couldn't sit up right nor talk clearly then.

Ah Nah dreamt of her the very same night.

Then she left us on Mon, 20th Jun'16 close to 5am.

Ah Nah dreamt of her at 3am, that MIL called out to her.

I've not dreamt of her since. Neither did anyone else in the family. I'm very disappointed, sad, upset and depressed that she has not been coming to visit at all, be it spiritually or in my dream.

I cried for she didn't return on the 7th day like what some said, last visit to the home. I thought she was really attached to the house and IZ, she should be coming home. So we prepared dishes, left them on the dining table, and went to bed early. There was no sign of her at all.

Yesterday, while having breakfast, IZ said "mom, I had a good dream last night".

Me: oh? you had a good dream?

IZ: ya, I dream of Ah Ma. I called "AH MA!" and she opened her eyes to look at me! Isn't that a good dream!

Me: ya! that's a good dream!

I felt that dream was a closure for me at least. That she did appear to her beloved grandson, the one she was worried about the most.

I choose to believe now that she is happy in new place, reunited with her hubby, free from all the pain and suffering.

It's still painful to think of our happy days, and days we spent in the hospital. Our hearts ache terribly everyday. Tears dropped without any warning. We are mourning in the open.

We missed her very much..

One of my favorite pictures of them

Past 16 days..

So helper went on 16 days home leave and finally came back yesterday. The gush of relief, indescribable.

The past 2 weeks have been nightmare.

I contemplated a week-long SAHM but I failed, miserably.

IZ was sick the very day helper left. And didn't get much better along the week, days into my supposedly leaves. MIL gave me some headache here and there.

Long story cut short, I'm not cut to be a SAHM. I don't know which one I couldn't do.. the one who takes care of the elderly or the young one. I only know I'm not CUT OUT TO BE ONE.

Right at the point of depression, my gang of friends suggested a night out. It helped to be able to hold a proper conversation, laughed and ate heartily. I couldn't thank them enough, I'm grateful to death. A simple offer to have dinner out with me on impromptu. There's nothing more to ask for.

And then the second week started. YJ was going to help me. She did well, no qualms. I couldn't thank her enough too.

In times like this, I'm glad I was not shy to ask for help. To SOS, to cry it out loud.

I've cried. A LOT.

I didn't think it was anything but my own expectations. I stretched myself. I just snapped.

I'm also very grateful of the wooden husband.

I could have complained about him all the time. About his tactless mj arrangement etc. But he has been a great help the past 16 days.

He bathed IZ when I didn't feel like it, he swept, he mopped, he put laundry into the machine, he hung the laundry, he kept the laundry (just didn't fold them), he made IZ sleep at night, he went to work, came home washed all the dishes left in the basin, cleaned up, made coffee for me on weekends when I asked for coffee and once again the very same routine the next day.

He took on more (silently) while I was down with stomach flu or when my face was black.

Today, we finally can take a breather. We took a nice breakfast, just the two of us. And he sent me to the Gynae clinic for annual check-up.

I'm grateful for what and who I have, counting the blessing. And hope all around me is blessed too.

Till the next round.. I know my limits.. already..

The Central Fire Station: 23rd Jan'16

This term topic: Community Helper

We were asked to bring them to the fire station or library for their show and tell. 

I then know fire station open house is held on every Saturday from 9 to 11am. Free admission to all. There's a list of fire stations in the website listed below this post.

His buddy's mom and I chose Central Fire Station as it is located next to the Civil Defence Heritage Gallery. Admission to both premise was free of charge!

Mr Tan who actively, passionately encouraging visitors to sign up to volunteer with the Civil
Defence. "Training is provided" he says.

Trying out the equipment for continuous resuscitation. IZ says "painful".
That's how strong. You need to press 5cm into the chest, even if it means breaking a few ribs.
Maintain the right size. Too skinny, this equipment will not work for you.

The brave girl volunteered to be wheeled into the ambulance.

Family member to touch the end of the stretcher. For comfort I supposed.

Introducing some common gears..

how to carry the hose..

how to activate..

How to put on their uniform..

in split seconds!

Thermal gauge

Kiddos' idol!

While we were there for a mere 1.5 hours, there were already 2 ambulances and 4 fire engines off to rescue.
That's how busy the fire station is..

Demonstrating how firemen gets to fire engines real quick when they are upstairs.

Stacking

The RT111 - unfortunately automatic equipment were not available for demo

Showtime at 10am

Live demo

Once done at the fire station, we moved next door to the heritage gallery.

We could see how fire fighting / rescue work evolve from 1800s to today. Not that the kids cared, but it was a learning experience for all of us.

It is really interesting that they have interactive activities there for the children to learn more in a fun way.

Then I asked Teacher Xinyi if she could guide IZ to draw something for his Chinese show and tell.

I was really impressed that she actually prepared something in advance.

But she said IZ already had an idea in his mind on what he wanted to draw.

Colouring in progress..

The morning of the Chinese show and tell

Related information:

1) http://www.scdf.gov.sg/content/scdf_internet/en/scdf_247/others/visit_our_fire_stations.html

2) http://www.scdf.gov.sg/content/scdf_internet/en/general/about-us/cd-heritage-gallery/introduction.html

Session #9

Since I started befriending X in July, we have had lots of hiccups. Mainly on my side due to the poor health I have.

Fever, lumps, flu, cold you name it.

I had to stay away from X as he's undergoing chemotherapy and his immunity is all time low. And there were days he just came back from his protocol, I couldn't visit.

So, from July to now (Dec), we have had only 9 sessions.

All this while, he has never really talked about his "illness". NEVER.

He has always been joyful, bubbly, chatty, calling "Aunty Colleen! Aunty Colleen!"

There were once he told me about taking cab to KKH. That's about it.

So you can imagine my surprise when he said "Aunty Colleen, doctor told said I cannot go out, need to stay at home".

That was a multi-million statement.

I reflected the same statement, he acknowledged, and he changed topic. Didn't bring it up again.

Then he chased me away as he wanted to eat noodles.

Next week will be his last protocol. Then after he'll have to take oral chemo pills. I learnt that we will not be able to know if he'll recover completely until 2 years later.

X and his family taught me valuable lessons every time I see them. Be strong, be happy. If not for I know of his illness, I wouldn't suspect anything amiss.

I wish, I pray for his good health.

The lump on my thyroid..

Updated on 16th Dec'15

And so I went for my review on Monday, all ready to make appointment for a surgery. I was told it's unlikely cancerous and the doctor wouldn't be too worried about it. Doctor said I could opt for some small incision surgery behind my lower lip or armpit (he didn't say armpit, he used a medical term). He suggested the options as I am prone to keloid and the nodule is small enough to be removed such. At the end of our few minutes conversation, I switched off a couple of times when he told me the names of the glands, possibility of bleeding, etc.

And so, coz I was not ready for anything for my lower lip nor armpit, I chickened out. I could live with the lump on my throat or neck. No one notices that anyway. At least so far only one friend on that ONE occasion.

So, I chose not to do the surgery, and asked for a review 6 months later instead for surveillance.


4th Dec'15

Glad to update here that the scan went well. The radiographer told me the nodule doesn't look harmful, and there's minimal blood flows in the nodule. So the nodule is not feeding (something like that). That really lifted the whole big rock off my shoulders.

And oh ya, the doctor is still talking about the very same nodule! Heehe!

And I feel like I could live normally again.

Really thankful of YJ who offered to keep me company for every visit. She was with me this scan, boy, was I glad and R.E.L.I.E.V.E.D!

Next review: 14th Dec!

Note to self: Remember to ask Dr Tan if I can continue my befriending role with CCF

30th Nov'15

As hubby had to send IZ for his eye review in KKH, I told him I could make my own way to SGH, from the office.

Registration was easy, the staffs were very friendly.

After waited for a while, there was a handsome young 3rd year medical student asked me into a room and started an interview. As we spoke, I realised there were some symptoms that may or may not be related to the lump.

Dr.  Tan came to introduce himself and told me he'll be back to me after the interview. He checked the lump and told me it's highly possible that it's not cancerous. I don't know what to say. Maybe deep down, I asked "how would you know?" Later, I regretted not asking.

He told me he'll do another ultrasound scan to confirm. So there were him, 2 other medical students, and a nurse around the treatment room while I had my neck scanned. He hesitated a while and then moved on to ask for FNAC (fine needed aspiration cytology) to be carried out. Then they left me in the room with the nurse.

I asked if the procedure would be painful. The helpful nurse gave me a piece of instructions to read. It'll be fine needle, so I don't suppose it'll be too much of pain. But in some events, I may be poked a few times. Technicians were called. They will be checking the specimens if there's enough cells to be checked.

Came a Dr. Stefan Mueller, asking me for my authorisation signature for the cytology. And he said he was highly confident that I'll be alright. It worried me as Dr Mueller is from oncology dept. Later, I also noticed he was the one who signed on my MC. I don't know if it's the SOP.

So, I was poked. I was surprised by how painless it was. And I thought it was all done when Dr Tan retracted the needle the first time. And then he did it again.. and again. Total 3 needles. By the time he was done with the 3rd one, I felt all the blood in me drained. My head started to feel light, my hands were heavy. I was passing out. I called out to them saying I was giddy.

Dr Tan was very assuring. Dr Mueller lifted my legs. Slowly I "regained" consciousness.

Later Dr. Tan told me what happened was normal. But I was not listening to the term he used. I was thinking of "hyper-ventilating" and "anxiety attack". Hahaha useless me!

So after rested for what seemed eternity, I told the nurse I could leave on my own already. She asked me to wait at the waiting area for payment and next appointment.

Was shocked when I was told I actually had to do another round of ultrasound scan. I had to go to Radiology Dept which was just across Head & Neck dept to fix an appointment. I peeped at the referral form "noted new right thyroid nodule (sloid/cystic) for assessment. WHAT?!?! Did they mean they found another one? Or was it the very same one?!

To be found out on 4th Dec.

25th Nov'15

Clinic called and told my referral letter is ready. My appointment is fixed at Head & Neck Centre in SGH on 30th Nov'15 with Dr. Tan Hiang Khoon, a senior consultant.

I didn't collect the referral letter until 29th Nov.

23rd Nov'15

Review with Dr. Chong. She said the growth is partly cystic and partly solid. It doesn't look like normal thyroid, so she'll recommend to refer me to specialist. I told her I'd prefer govt hospital.

You know, the part "partly cystic and partly solid" couldn't register in my mind. I had to ask her to repeat a few times, before I can remember. Was it my memory or was I in denial?

22nd Nov'15

No news about the ultrasound scan so I decided to drop by the clinic physically to check. They told me the result has just arrived.

18th Nov'15

Went for ultrasound in AMK.

17th Nov'15

All thanks for the shifu's pointer about taking extra good care of my health and about early intervention, I decided to see doc immediately. Waited for a good 2 hours, to be told I'll get a referral for ultrasound.

16th Nov'15

I caught a glimpse of the lump on my neck on the mirror. I already walked past it, but I went back to the mirror and took a good look at it. It was obviously a growth on my neck.

Then I thought of the day YJ pointed out something unusual with my neck. She used her phone to take a photo to show me. But I can't remember when was that.

Little I did know, that would be one of the questions to be asked. When exactly was the lump first noticed?

Months.. how many months, I'm not sure anymore.. Neither can YJ..

Why I like to bake..

(despite having absolutely no talent in it..)

I've not shared anything here about me learning to bake. It just happened one day (in Jul), I signed up for Wilton 1 cake decoration course and never looked back. Not that I've gone far, but it has not been an easy one.

For one, I'm not a very thoughtful meticulous person. I am in short a clumsy fella.

The baking journey has not been without mishaps. Just to name a few:

1. over-beat the batter (there was no indication or hint in most of the recipes about not over-beating or under-beating for that matter. What is over beat? How do I tell whether I over-beat or not? I don't know, I still don't know. I'm still doing trial and error, and feed the fellow guinea pigs.
2. so what happened if over/under beat? I am not sure, some days, my cupcakes just rise and rise and overflow. That's what happened I guess. Strangely, when this happened, guinea pigs will say the cupcakes taste nicer.
3. halfway through measuring ingredients for a recipe and realising, to my horror, I do not have enough main ingredient (read FLOUR)! At that point of time I really feel like smacking myself. The solution would either be go out to buy or substitute with other flour or change the recipe altogether and find one that I have all ingredients for.
4. sudden inspiration to bake (and if I'm lucky to have all ingredients on-hand) and feel really miserable waiting for the ingredients to cool to room temperature. I'll cut the butter into cubes (almost chopping them like minced meat) to let them cool down warm up faster.
5. burn my fingers. The oven is hot, mind you. But my mind is not with the oven, it's with the batter/cupcakes/cake whatever. Seems like my hand really like to test the its limit. I think I'm just excited over the baking.
6. the baking duration takes way longer than stated in the recipe. The oven, seriously, one day, I'll get a good one! (please don't die on me this weekend... pwetty please?!)
7. inherited the ancient weighing scale from my MIL, I can't measure to 1g precision. But lately, when I'm in bread making, a lot of recipes called for 5g of yeast and 1g of salt. How am I supposed to measure that?!
8. to answer my question in #7.. spoil the weighing scale and get a precise digital one. which is precisely what happened last night while I tried to zero the ancient weighing scale and I overdid it. So it's officially spoilt, and I got a new digital one!

But all the above is really worth it, when IZ (self-claimed my Nos. 1 fan) gives me a thumbs up and said "nice!".

On days when my baking's a flop, he'll say "it's a little bit nice, Mommy. You can try harder the next time".

He also tell people he meets that "my mommy is a baker, she can bake everything you know!". Because of this belief, I really do believe I can bake everything. So whatever the little one wants, I'll google for recipe and try.

My little angel, I really hope I show you positive attitude and making effort in our lives. I hope you'll not give up easily and keep trying just like how you encouraged me.

Just to share some of the pieces: